AaBbCc

It was about two years ago that it began. A mass exodus of capital
letters. Suddenly it was all lower case, all the time. On social
networking sites, sentences stooped under the weight of trendy lower
case, but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it. I would pause
before a wall post, left pinky finger hovering over the shift key –
could I buck tradition? Could I conform to my peers and leave grammar
in the dust? It turns out that – no – I couldn't. And so my sentences
began with big letters and ended with full stops.

Now I notice these x's and o's. I'm getting verbally hugged and kissed
all over the place. Particularly in texts, but also in emails and
online. Frankly, I feel a little stifled. It's not very consensual. If
my real life was this promiscuous I would have a raging cold sore, and
possibly syphillis. What really got me is when my mother started doing
it. Texts reading: love you sweetie xoxo –mum. Isn't that electronic
incest? I'm calling the authorities. First the grammar police, then
child services.

What's next? Can I try and predict it? Can I start my own linguistic
trend? Maybe I will rid my sentences of spaces, allowing my words to
run together casually. Maybe I'll put in a shocking number of
ellipses. Maybe I'll write all in wingdings.

But I want to come up with it, to come up with the verbal equivalent
of cigarettes and sunglasses. I want to write with faddish power.
It'll be bigger than fuck me bracelets, it'll be bigger than pogs.